After
church services the next day Gabe and Sean headed to his parents
house. They were exiting the car when Uncle Jack and Aunt Jenny
pulled up to the curb behind them. Gabe waited for his aunt and uncle
while Sean knocked on the front door. Even with the time it had taken
for Jack and Jenny to exit the car and walk up to the porch, no one
had answered. Confused, Gabe opened the door and walked in, looking
for his mom and dad. He walked into the den and stopped so suddenly
Sean ran into him. There on the couch were his parents making out. He
cleared his throat loudly to announce their presence.
He
chuckled when Sean peeked around him and announced, “ewww! Grandma!
Grandpa! That’s gross. You’re way too old to be doing that!”
Jack
and Jenny laughed and Uncle Jack announced, “Hear that Jen? We’re
too old to be kissing.” He took her in his arms and dipped her low
and kissed her dramatically.
Gabe
was used to it. His parents, and aunt and uncle, had always been very
affectionate and he had many memories as a child of catching them
kissing, holding hands, and being playful. He still tried not to
think about his parents’ love life, but contrary to most childrens'
protests, public displays of affection were some what comforting to
him. Even after all those years his parents still loved each other
and had a great friendship and marriage. They weren’t perfect, he
also remembered some arguments through the years, but they were
actually part of the reason he wasn’t married. How
do I find a woman who I can love 45 years from now the same way my
parents love each other?
His sister “lucked out” he
thought, but she would say she “made” her marriage like her
parents’. It didn’t just come that way. She met her high school
sweetheart at age 17. They were married five years later, the week
after they graduated from college. When others might grow apart,
they chose to grow separately, but together. Each one made life
choices, but they supported each other. After their son was born, she
decided she didn’t want to go back to work. Curtis supported her.
When he had reached ten years with a large international company, he
opted to leave Corporate America to start a small business. Rachel
encouraged him. Both choices changed their lives forever. Either
could have destroyed them, but they fought for each other together.
Rachel
and Curtis would not be able to join them at the cabin for
Thanksgiving so today became the pre-Thanksgiving dinner. Curtis
always had to have his store open and running for Black Friday, so
they weren’t ever able to come up for the holiday. Jack and Jenny
would be in Tahoe the next week, but Jenny loved Thanksgiving dinner
so they agreed to come and share this one as well.
The
smell of turkey filled the house when Rachel and Curtis walked in and
their three kids arrived like a tornado. Rose and Doug complained
about the noise, but truthfully they preferred it that way. The kids
ran outside to find Sean already playing in the yard with the dogs on
the trampoline.
Curtis
went into the kitchen to deliver the dishes filled with food to
accompany the turkey. Gabe had never been the best cook and they
always assigned him to bring a pumpkin and an apple pie, made from
scratch by an elderly neighbor who loved him to death and thought he
was just the cutest thing since puppies.
A
few minutes later Rose’s sister, Trudy, arrived. She would be in
Fiji for Thanksgiving with some old college girl friends. Trudy
always arrived in a whirlwind of energy and fun. She set down her
famous sweet potato casserole on the stove to keep warm and then
hugged everyone and kissed every cheek. Gabe and Sean received extra
strong hugs, they were definitely her favorite. Gabe imagined that if
Sean hadn’t come along he might have turned out very much like his
favorite aunt.
Trudy
immediately launched into her latest story of traveling to New York.
She always met the most interesting people, people no one else ever
seems to get to know. “Everybody has a story,” she often stated
and would prove it over and over again when she told the stories of
random men and women just living their lives.
Today
she related the account of a man she met on the street asking for
change for the subway. He wasn’t quite homeless, but had a similar
appearance. “His manner of speaking drew me in,” she explained.
“He spoke well, with a touch of southern twang.” He had been the
president of a large real estate investment firm. When the housing
market crashed, he lost everything. His wife left him, taking the
kids with her. He took what little he had left and had been traveling
the country, following one lead after another searching for his
children.
His
last tip had been to New York. He had found a job in a small motel as
repair man. His wife had been living with a friend in Manhattan. He
had located the school where the children attended and called the
police. The authorities had recovered the children and he had gone
out to buy newer clean clothes in order to meet them. His wife had
been staying with one friend and then another, all of them wealthy.
He feared his children would judge him if he showed up to see them in
his worn out work clothes. He was left fifty-three cents short of
what he needed for the subway to get home to wash and change and get
to the police station.
“Of
course, I gave him all the cash I had on hand and asked if I could go
with him to capture the reunion. He agreed and after cleaning himself
up, we headed to see his kids. It had been nearly 3 years. He had
tears streaming down his face when the oldest of them, his daughter,
ran to him. The youngest little girl had only been 9 months old and
his son had been four. The younger two were unsure, but followed
their sister’s example and embraced him. I have rarely been witness
to such a beautiful scene.”
She
continued telling his story. Once a judge gave him custody, he was
able to return home, even though they hadn’t found his wife. In the
3 years he had been gone, his business partner had rebuilt the
company. He was welcomed with open arms. He will have to work hard to
regain his wealth, but he is well on his way. Last he heard, his
now-ex-wife lived in Argentina with man she met shortly after he left
New York. She had mist in her eyes as she finished the end of his
tale.
Someday
I’ll write a book and publish my photos,” she daydreamed, “but
I’m going to wait until all my friends are dead and gone so I don’t
embarrass anyone with my version of circumstance.” She laughed at
her own joke.
“It
will be a best seller for sure, Trudy,” Curtis remarked. “You
keep us in stitches and tears every time we see you. Every heart
seems to find a home around you.”
Most
people would blush with such compliments, but Trudy, true to herself,
took them in stride. She knew them to be true, not from arrogance,
but simply self confidence.
Another
knock at the door announced the arrival of Rob, Gabe’s cousin from
his dad’s side. Doug’s youngest sister lived in Texas, but her
oldest son had moved back to California where he was born. His two
kids were quiet and reserved and Rachel walked them outside to
re-acquaint themselves with her kids.
Rose
left the guests and called Gabe to take the large bird from the oven
and he left it on the stove to “rest” for a few minutes before
Doug came in to carve. The rolls were heated and last minute touches
added. The children were called in to wash hands and calm down before
dinner.
At
last, they all gathered around the large dining room table. They each
chose something to share that they were grateful for. Rose felt, of
course, grateful for her family around her. Curtis thankfully related
that things were going well at work. Sean shared about his new best
friend, Chris, and his new Pokemon game. Gabe repeated that he
enjoyed good friends and a wonderful family and a new holiday movie
he would be shooting after the first of the year, prepared to release
next fall.
The
rest of the family congratulated him and the gratitude continued
around the table.
Dinner
turned into a tumult of laughing and talking. Eventually, everyone
ate their fill and then some. Curtis leaned back teasing that he
practically needed to take off his pants because they no longer fit
and everyone begged him to please restrain himself. Doug offered him
a trash bag to put on instead.
The
children were excused and ran off to use up the energy they had just
consumed. The adults started carrying dishes and leftovers to the
kitchen. As he wiped down the stove, Trudy teased Gabe, “how’s
my favorite ‘old maid’ nephew doing?”
He claimed to be fine and then she
invited him to join her in Fiji. “All the girls would love to have
you. You know they all think you’re HOT!”
He laughed envisioning his aunt’s
“girls.” The group of women in their 60’s and 70’s and their
misadventures were legendary. Gabe could only imagine what spending a
weekend with them would entail. “If I spent the weekend with you
all, I wouldn’t be able to sit for a week,” he laughed. “Those
women are very grabby,” he teased.
“I just want to make sure you’re
having enough fun. We spinsters have to stick together,” she added.
“Stop
encouraging him, Aunt Trudy. We want him to get married! He just has
to stop being so picky,” Rachel declared. “He’s surrounded by
beautiful women all the time, and yet, he hasn’t managed to decide
on one.”
The
conversation quickly degraded into a debate on “Why Gabe isn’t
married,” as it often did, and even Aunt Trudy chimed in with her
belief about him. “He’s just a loner who loves spending time with
women but can’t find one he wants to spend too much time with,”
she added confidently. This theory reflected a little more about
Trudy’s philosophy than Gabe’s.
Curtis
told everyone to leave him alone. “If Gabe is enjoying being a
bachelor there is nothing wrong with that.” Teasing his wife and
quickly kissing her on the cheek, he added, “Married life is not
all it’s cracked up to be. I’d like a few days now and then to be
a bachelor myself.”
Rachel
shot him a dirty look, before Rob chimed in that Curtis was right.
“Most women are just after your money so they can go shopping,”
Rob’s recent divorce clouded his point of view too. “Besides, how
do you trust that they will be faithful? You never can tell who will
do what when presented with the wrong opportunity.”
Rachel
launched into a story about a couple who had been married for fifteen
years and the wife started having an affair with the UPS guy. He used
to arrive early for his shift and take his breaks at her house too.
The neighbors finally got suspicious of the UPS truck parked on their
street and one of the guys said something to the husband. They had
seemed like the perfect couple.
“Don’t
they always?” asked Rose. Turning to Rob she commented, “You and
Kayla always seemed perfect too, until the last few years. We weren’t
surprised when you finally announced your divorce, but the steep
decline of your relationship came unexpectedly.”
“She
always had to be right, always knew the ‘correct way’ to do
something. I just got tired of fighting. It was the beginning of the
end, when I quit fighting back,” Rob shared. “I realized I
started to notice other women, something I had not done for ten
years. That’s when we went to counseling, but it was always ‘my
problem’ and not hers, so eventually, I decided I was done.”
Reflecting he added, “It’s sad really that we couldn’t work it
out. We had the best love story until the last two years.”
Jack
chimed in with a recent story about a husband who went on a business
trip overseas. He returned a week later and announced he was leaving
his wife and four kids to go live with some woman in Brazil. After
that, everyone fell into their own thoughts about the sad state of
marriage.
Trudy
broke the silence, “Seems like everyone is splitting up now days
except you guys,” she directed her comment at Rose and Doug, Jack
and Jenny, and Rachel and Curtis.
“We’ve
all had our challenges,” Rose piped up. “There’s not a one of
us that hasn’t thought about calling it quits at one time or
another. The difference is that when the hard times came, we turned
to each other instead of apart. We were also both willing to listen
and take our partners happiness into account.” The last sentence
was directed at Rob to ensure he understood she wasn’t judging him
and she understood that there is only so much a person can do when
their partner is not willing. She stood up ready to walk to the
kitchen and prepare for dessert.
“I
thought this whole conversation was ganging up on Gabe? How did we
get so far off topic?” Curtis joked.
Rose
walked behind Gabe’s chair and wrapped her arms around her son’s
neck. “Gabe is afraid of making a mistake and being stuck in a
relationship that isn’t working. You can’t always know what
someone else will do and depending on someone else for your happiness
is scary.”
She
kissed him on the cheek and walked into the kitchen. Rachel, Judy,
and Jenny followed. Jack turned on the television to watch the NFL
game and Curtis and Rob were immediately absorbed in it. Gabe sat
stewing, trying to decide how upset he felt at his family for their
interfering conversation.
Doug
leaned over to his son and quietly told him, “I really lucked out
marrying your mom. I married her because she was cute. She was a
little smarter. She married me because she said she could trust me.”
He thought for a minute and then continued, “Somewhere is a woman
you can trust with your heart and your son. When you find a friend
you would trust to raise Sean if something happened to you, you’ll
know you’ve found the right one.” Doug then returned his
attention to the game and the offense running for a touchdown.
The
vision of a blonde, blue eyed woman came into his mind. He pushed the
thought out and went outside to run around with the kids. He needed
some physical distractions.
Instead
of finding Sean running around the yard with the rest of the kids he
sat on the patio chair seemingly deep in thought. Sean starred off
into space and didn’t even notice his dad approach until he stepped
right in front of his face, “Boo!” Gabe interrupted Sean’s
trance. Sean jumped and then smiled as he noticed his dad.
“You’re
just the person I wanted to talk to,” Sean said. Gabe laughed out
loud at his son’s serious, adult like approach.
“Well,
I called this meeting to discuss recent developments in our eastern
Asia sector,” Gabe added in a boardroom tone of voice, touching his
fingertips together and trying hard to repress a smile.
“Dad!”
Sean stopped his dad's teasing with a tilt of his head and a tone
that said “please be serious.”
Gabe
took a deep breath and straightened his facial expression to show he
was listening.
“We
talked about sex at church today,” Sean stated matter-of-factually.
Gabe's eye brows arched, wondering what had gone on and on what Sean
was so focused.
“So
tell me about sex,” Gabe kept his voice easy and hopefully
encouraging.
“Well,
not really about sex, but about our relationship with God and why sex
is important,” Sean started to explain, unsure of the exact words
he should use to describe his thoughts. “ We are children of God
and He loves us.” Gabe nodded in agreement. “God let's us do
mostly what we want and if we chose to disobey the commandments he
doesn't really stop us even if we hurt someone else.” Gabe
continued nodding unsure of where this was going. “God has power
over life and death and we shouldn't interfere with that except when
He has said we can. We can punish murderers or people who do really
bad things and we can have babies when we are married.”
Gratefully,
so far, all of this seemed rather tame. Gabe and Sean usually talked
openly about everything, but he didn't really like the idea of
someone else discussing such a personal topic with his thirteen year
old.
“When
people have sex there are hormones that go through their bodies that
make them feel bonded to each other. But, men have testosterone and
that kind of gets rid of that feeling a little bit. But, girls don't
have that, so they usually still feel like they want to be in love
with a guy. It's not fair to sleep together if you're not ready to
really feel in love and like you're going to be in love forever.”
So far, Gabe felt fine with what Sean had said but he sensed where
the conversation headed.
“Besides,
sometimes women get pregnant, even when they try not to, and it's not
fair to the babies that they can't be raised by both parents
together. It's hard not to have a mom and dad around to love a kid
and take care of him.” Sean stared in his dad's eyes. He didn't
want to hurt his dad's feelings by saying that only having one parent
wasn't good enough, but Sean wanted him to know that it wasn't fair
that other kids had both a mom and dad and he didn't.
“I
heard you once say that you always use protection because you don't
want to have end up in the same boat twice. What did that mean?”
Sean inquired.
The
realization that Sean had ever overheard him say such a thing,
shocked Gabe. He kicked himself for having a big mouth. He didn't
ever want his son to feel like he wasn't wanted or that Gabe had been
forced into something because he came along. True, he had only gotten
engaged because she became pregnant. Gabe had always wanted kids and
he felt thrilled when he found out she was expecting.
He
hadn't dated his ex for very long and they really had no business
getting married, they weren't in love and wouldn't have stayed
together much longer except for the baby. The brief relationship
lasted until Sean was four months old. Gabe took Sean with him to
visit some friends and came home to a letter and an empty closet. Her
announcement that she wasn't ready to be a mom came as no surprise,
but the idea that she would abandon her son did. Her attorney had
handled the custody arrangement and Gabe didn't even see her for
several years afterward. Sean had only seen her a handful of times
through the years, a few Birthdays and one Christmas.
Grasping
for words, Gabe tried to explain, “I know it's not fair, that's why
I have tried to avoid having any more kids. I love you, I was so
happy to know that I was going to have a boy. I think all my life
I've tried to make choices that wouldn't jeopardize me being a good
dad one day. If one of the other women I dated had gotten pregnant I
would want to be that child's father too and it would make life
harder. I just don't want any other kids unless I am married so we
can take care of them together.”
Sean's
face broke into a huge smile.. Evidently that was the answer he
wanted to hear. Encouraged he continued sharing about what they
discussed at church. “We talked about sex being a great thing when
two people are in love and committed to each other, but it can hurt
when someone you love breaks up with you and you've already shared
that.”
Gabe
asked, “Did they tell you it was wrong or you would be bad to not
wait?” I want him to
decide for himself how he's going to live. I don't want other people
pressuring him to make commitments he doesn't really live up to.
Abstinence education doesn't work unless it is rooted in appreciation
for marriage and love for the opposite sex. By telling kids it is
wrong or they are not old enough, you are simple setting them up for
failure and failing to be prepared has bigger consequences than they
are able to handle.
“No,
they didn't tell us it was wrong, they told us it was good, so good
we should decide for ourselves who we were willing to share it with.
A few of the teachers talked about how they had waited for marriage,
but they didn't say anything to us about having to do that.” Sean
answered his dad's questions honestly. He didn't understand Gabe's
concern and didn't edit he answers accordingly.
“I've
been thinking about it though and I think I would like to make that
my goal. It's just a goal between me and God. Personal, you know?
Jude told me that at his church they made all the kids promise in
front of everybody that they would keep a chastity pledge. I didn't
like that idea.” Sean had obviously thought a lot about it. “I
think it's important though.”
Gabe liked his sons independence and
commitment. He felt happy that he decided for himself and yet still
choose to live what God asked of him. The next bomb, though, dropped
on him totally unprepared.
“Dad,
I think you should make this promise too.” Sean told him earnestly.
“You are single, God wants you to live the commandments same as me.
You just said that you don't want to have any more accidental kids
when you are not married to the mom. What do you think? Will you do
this with me, Dad? Will you?”
Gabe
felt like a knife was driven into his chest. With each sentence it
twisted and plunged in deeper. NO.
I am not living like a Priest. Is he crazy? What can he possibly be
thinking. I'm an adult, he's a kid. Of course, he should wait. That's
what I want for him, but there is no way I am going to live that way.
Gabe looked into his son's face
ready to try to explain to him how it is different for adults. He
wanted to say he could not realistically live without it. Instead, he
found himself face to face with the green eyes he loved most in the
world. He saw his son's innocent resolution to live God's will. The
excuses he had been crafting so passionately seconds before were
evaporating.
How
do I encourage him to live in a way I'm not willing to live myself? I
know better than anyone that telling a kid that's he's not he's old
enough is the surest way to drive him to it. Do as I say, not as I do
is the dumbest way to be a parent.
Sean
waited. “Yes,” Gabe whispered. What am I doing? “I
promise God, and I promise you that I will wait until I am married
before I sleep with anyone else.” Gabe could hardly get the words
out. Sean is the only person in the world who could pull such a vow
from him. Only his love for his son could make him even consider it.
Sean smiled and hugged his dad. “I'm
so happy we're going to do this together.” He jumped up and ran off
to play with the other kids, not a care in the world. Gabe on the
other hand felt like he had been socked in the stomach and he had no
idea how he would ever live up to his word.
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