This is one of my very favorite emails ever!!!
I often feel like this in my efforts to be classier than I really am.
Martha will not be joining us-to my Thanksgiving guests
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes.
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks to do not have the desired effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive fancy linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration, handcrafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hot line.
Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00am upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private." Meaning: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints.
I am Thankful!!!
Shaun received the game ball for his efforts today. He was hit by the ball, hard, at his first at bat, in his first game, ever. He is seriously bruised, but he got up and took the base. Then, he stole second, stole third, and ran home. The smile on his face looked as though he had just won the World Series. He was pumping his fist and cheering and jumping up and down once he scored.
Shaun in far right.
Shaun not paying attention in far right.
I think I am going to buy stock in Oxyclean because we will all be buying a lot more now that it only takes 30 seconds for baseball pants to get dirt and grass stains even before the game begins.
