Thursday, September 3, 2015

Forgive or fester?

Today was actually a good day. 90% of it went fine. We spent a good day with friends at a water park celebrating not returning to school. I got to swim and enjoyed the sun  (and the shade). I got to show off my new bathing suit bottoms that I made last night and it was fun.
Then we went to the Scout Court of Honor and I realized that since Sunday I have been festering. See, on Sunday, about mid way through church it dawned on me that my whole car situation was a result of other people not doing what they should. I am losing the financial battle because of other people's poor choices and I don't know how to handle it. I saw a particular person today and wanted to shout and swear and make sure he knew exactly what he had done to put me in this awful situation that I don't know how to get out of.
I'm scared and frustrated and I don't know what to do and so it feels good to focus my anger on the person in front of me that I can get angry about. The person who hit my car is long gone. They will probably never be found and even if they are the chances they have insurance to solve this for me are slim and none. It doesn't make me feel any better to be mad at a faceless minivan driving away. But the person who put me in the situation to be there in the first place. He's right in front of me and it feels empowering to want to make sure he knows what he has done. It doesn't help that I was mad at him before this anyway.
So, now the choice. Do I continue to fester? Do I continue to drink the poison hoping it will make someone else sick? Do I continue to refuse to forgive because it gives me something to hold on to when there doesn't seem to be anything else to prop me up? Do I "let it go"?
Even as I type this I know my choice. I can feel the peace coming if I choose to accept it. I can feel the tears brimming even though crying won't help. Slowly drop by drop I hope stress is leaving. Breath by breath I want to feel ok. For now I shrug, get a glass of water and head to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I'm sure there will be more tears and pain and frustration before all this is over and forgiving him doesn't change the problem I was mad about in the first place. I still have to confront and stand strong to change the future and hope that I am never put in this position again.
Looking for the help of angels, pretty sure I have lots of "earthly angels" who love me around doing what they can.
Peace, love and hugs to all.

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